27 April 2013

What's the worst betrayal of trust for you?

Let's talk about couples today;  relationships.
Why? Cause this is something we all want to get better at in order to live a happier life.

Brene Brown talks about vulnerability in her latest book "Daring Greatly: How the courage to be vulnerable transforms the way we live , love, parent and lead." I covered the parenting part here and now it's about love.

Trust isn't build in a day

Vulnerability opens the door for love and trust locks the door so that love doesn't run away. (In case you're wandering this smart phrasing is not from the book , is mine and I am proud of it :) )

Trust is not granted, trust is build in very small moments that John Gottman calls "sliding door" moments. "In any interaction, there is a possibility of connecting with your partner or turning away from your partner".

Gottman offers a nice example: one night he was reading a mystery novel when he noticed that his wife was looking sad. He could have gone back to reading but instead he went to his wife and asked her: "What's the matter baby?". He was building trust, he was there for her, connecting and not thinking only about what he would of wanted (knowing who the killer was asap)

One moment of a bad choice- one can get away with it. But if one is constantly turning his back, trust erodes in a relationship.

So back to the title: What's the worst betrayal of trust for you?

My first answer would be: my husband cheating on me in my house. I guess this can happen or not some day. But this is not actually the worse thing that can happen. There is a betrayal of trust that Brene talks about and that one can experience every day: DISENGAGEMENT. This is also what the research revealed as the most dangerous for the trust connection.

What is disengagement? It's when the people we love "stop caring, stop paying attention, stop investing and stop fighting for the relationship"

You know that moment when you cry and tell your lover how sad you are because of this and that and he comes back with the classic line:

 "You're crazy!"

Lucky you if you don't know what I'm talking about, if you do know then rest assured you are entitled to your sorrow. Let me tell you why: disengagement is far more dangerous than a lie or an affair cause "we can't point to the source of our pain- there's no event, no obvious evidence of brokenness. It can feel crazy-making". And to make things even worse disengagement slowly clears the way for other 'big" betrayals: cheating, lying...

"Trust is a product of vulnerability that grows over time and requires work, attention and full engagement. Trust isn't a grand gesture- it's a growing marble collection." You can find more about the marble collection in the book.

I cannot tell you how relieved I was to read this.
I'm not crazy! You're not crazy! And there is always hope.


All quotes are from "Dare Greatly" by Brene Brown

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