23 March 2013

Longing and belonging

Can we want what we already have?
Why does desire make babies and babies spell erotic disaster in couples?

These are the questions Esther Perel is addressing in a TED talk about the nature of erotic desire. She is fluent in 9 languages and has traveled in 20 countries to find out more about erotic intelligence.

According to the Observer "Perel's ideas are...instantly familiar because they resonate deeply. It's all rather terrifying in it's intuitiveness and it's pure rightness". I think it's well worth 20 minutes of your time. You may even want to come back later for "emergency" reasons.

Sustaining desire is the reconciliation of 2 fundamental human needs: security/home and adventure/surprise. This used to be a contradiction in terms cause marriage was an economic institution where you had children, social status and companionship . In addition to these now we want our partner to be best friend, trusted confident, passionate lover and we live twice as long. "We want from one person what once an entire village used to provide"

 So when do you find yourself most drawn to your partner? The answers were:
- When we are apart, when we reunite
- When I see my partner radiant and confident
- When there is novelty cause "mystery is not about traveling to new places but looking with new eyes" (Proust)

What do erotic couples have in common?
- Sexual privacy, a place that belongs to each of them
- Foreplay is not what you do 5 minutes before, but starts at the end of the previous one
- A place where you stop being the responsible citizen cause responsibility doesn’t go with desire
- Understanding that passion has intermittent eclipses but they know how to bring it back cause they demystified the myth of spontaneity

A crisis of desire is often a crisis of imagination.
Fire needs air, desire needs space.
Committed sex is premeditated, willful, intentional, focus and presence.

Longing and belonging at the same time seems a little bit easier now, don't you think?!

A joy a day keeps the doctor away!

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